ken babstock
Hate vacuuming? Get access to the sizzling interracial poetry you’ve fantasized about. Babstock’s collection Days Into Flatspin adds 1-3 inches and boosts your confidence like never before! Find out everything you need to know about your friends, your boss, your neighbours, your co-workers, and even your lover with a single read-through of this remarkable book! What’s more, Babstock will let you hear his poetry before you commit to it. Uncover your own family history. Try before you buy – but we virtually guarantee that Babstock will be the last poet you’ll ever need! Listen to poetry sounding its tightest and firmest. Hook me up, you say? Well that’s Vegas, baby, that’s Vegas.

louise bak
a recent stint in an all-utensil band has caused Louise to fully realize her latent poetic power. the combination of druidic knowledge and paralyzing neural disruptors has created a literature with little respect for the laws of electricity and magnetism.

douglas barbour
cain first presented his designs for a fixed-pitch variant of douglas barbour at a german symposium in 1948 (where tightly-kerned humanism was in vogue), and was soundly dismissed by the famed herman zapf among others. "teach him to think for himself?" zapf remarked. "oh, my god, teach him rather to think like other people!" cain soldiered on, and now his electrically-charged creation has become a resident standard not only in canada, but around the world. douglas' clean lines make him perfect for the setting of renaissance epics, greeting cards and online navigational systems.

gary barwin of CuteSculpt
"I've always loved children," says Barwin, "and I hate seeing them bored when they come with their parents to these Extreme Poetic Body Modification trade shows. Most of them show a disinterest in what's going on, a disinterest fostered by years of being told that they are too young for poetic Body Mods. To that I say - nonsense!" That's how Gary came to form CuteSculpt. "I had worked as a clown for years - and was quite good at making amusing balloon animals - you know, kitten faces, anteaters, giraffes, that sort of thing. I started to branch out into more abstract forms - and did these minimalist balloon pieces that kinda looked like the works of Henry Moore. All the while, however, I felt I was losing the kids, who can been quite demanding in this age of hyper-realistic video games. I thought of doing robotic balloon sculpture, maybe making a balloon poodle dog that could do backflips and beg, right on the spot, but then I got a better idea." And what an idea it was... subcutaneous sculpture made of silicone. "Kids love seeing their sculptures being made. A dead piece of silcone is brought to life before their eyes... it's like magic! And to see their faces light up when their fabulous silicone sheep is finally inserted under their skin! They're so proud... and can't wait to show them off to other kids in their kindergarten class or daycare."

Barwin has found that it's not just kids that are drawn to subcutaneous sculpture. Plenty of adults have been attracted to Barwin's silicone art. "It's a way to feel like a kid again," says one CuteSculpt patron. "Gary made me this subcutaneous CN Tower, and I'll cherish it for life. It's certainly the talk of the office." Where does Barwin see CuteSculpt heading? "Taxidermy, perhaps. What better way to preserve a loved pet than to insert them under your skin?" But whatever direction Barwin takes, he'll always live by the company credo: "CuteSculpt - dedicated to putting the Cute back into subcutaneous."

derek beaulieu
CALGARY (CP) — According to many financial analysts the recent troubles in the telecommunications market may well prove a benefit to other sectors of the economy, including artistic manufacturing. "There has really been a great deal of investor scrutiny in areas of Telecommunications and Internet Technologies," says Derek Beaulieu, principle director of the Laboratory for Shuttering, Reinforcement, Concrete and Ferroconcrete Operations for Composite-Monolithic and Monolithic Constructions of the Department of the Technology of Small Press Assembly Operations in Alberta (LSRCFOCMCDTSPAOA for short). "Investor skittishness around issues of corporate governance, fiscal irresponsibility and a slowing American economy provide an unprecendented opportunity for Canadian Small Press Manufacturers, especially those with quality poetic work of their own. While most companies try to ride out cycles of Boom and Bust, we've always concentrated on the Echo. That's our advantage."

Wall Street seems to agree with Beaulieu's assessment. Linda Fitzgerald, an analyst with the New York based firm Salomon Smith Barney, recently wrote that "people are looking less to expansive market growth and more to stability, reliability, quality, and intellectually challenging aesthetics, and that's where companies such as LSRCFOCMCDTSPAOA, with their aggressive product turnovers, have a real market advantage. The Canadian government has been pumping R&D money into the Small Press Manufacturing sector for years, almost hedging their bets in case cornerstone telcos like Nortel and BCE falter. Analysts used to laugh - but the Canadian government should be applauded for their foresight. The small press - it's the new old economy."

At the time of this writing telecom spending continued to be weak on both the NASDAQ and TSE, falling 12 percent on high volume. LSRCFOCMCDTSPAOA's recent announcement that they will be cutting staff and reducing inventory to approach the next few months as a leaner and more nimble company has seen their shares rise $1.19 to almost $52. In related news, Beaulieu mentioned that LSRCFOCMCDTSPAOA is undergoing a major rebranding exercise, hiring a Toronto-based branding firm to reinvent their corporate image. "I've always been partial to LSRCFOCMCDTSPAOA myself," said Beaulieu, "but recent focus groups have reacted favourably to the name 'housepress', and i can live with that."

daccia bloomfield
Daccia Bloomfield (vox) as "Joan of Rock". Veteran star of stage and song takes on her most challenging role yet, playing ostracized peasant preteen Joan. "Though she was born in 1412, I still see Joan as a typical young woman, dealing not only with the pressures that any girl her age faces – fitting in, boys, insecurity about her body – but also with this mission, this knowledge that she herself is destined to change the face of history. It's going to make you feel, well, different from other kids your age, that's for sure, and being different is last thing you want when you're twelve." And what a mission it is. Joan is visited by otherworldly light-bathed figures. At first she takes them to be heavenly entities, but quickly learns that they are actually spandex-clad rock musicians from the future. "We're on a mission from God," they inform her, and whisk her to 1975, 450 years into the future, to play the lead in history's most ambitious Rock Opera. This is definitely a star turn for Bloomfield... we guarantee that you'll never forget her power and presence when she sings those immortal lyrics "that 15th century virgin martyr sure plays a mean pinball."

daccia bloomfield
SUGARY BLOOMFIELDS WITH DRIZZLED McGOWN The key to healthy living is moderation. What good is poetry if you can't sneak a peek at some visual art every now and then? Here's Lexiconjury's secret recipe for a little indulgence, Sugary Bloomfields with Drizzled McGown. People believe that DACCIA BLOOMFIELD is hard to make from scratch and often resort to store bought brands. Not true! Simply mix bulk biomorphism with 1 cup of prose narrative and 2 separated perspectives and sketch with ink or charcoal. Next, form the mixture into individual entities and place on a greased acetate. Preheat E-Z Bake overhead projector to 350 degrees and cook for 15 minutes. While the Bloomfields are baking it's time to prepare your KATIE McGOWN. Knit three honeyed hymenoptera into fisherman's ribs or elongated chevrons. Reduce heat, add utensils and install. When Bloomfields have cooled drizzle your McGown installation and sprinkle with sugar until well disciplined. Don't forget to share!

christian bök
popular star of stage and song.

christian bök as kurt schwitters
With fall's cooler temperatures fast approaching it's no wonder that the catsuits and caftans are returning to cleaner, constructivist sensibilities. The glamourous mood of the moment is still very apparent in every phoneme, however, with tight composition brilliantly offset by sharp curves, shadows and beloved scraps of refuse. The costume hit of the season.

daniel f. bradley
daniel lives through the winter, mostly in hibernation. we are proud that he has chosen lexiconjury to begin his new cycle of growth and colonization, for he usually prefers the deserted nests of field mice and chipmunks. his poetry has been known to release a caustic liquid that burns the skin, but daniel assures us that our assimilation will be as painless as possible. 

allan briesmaster
"Ezra Pound once remarked that 'dichten equals condensare', which could also be applied to a good demi-glaze," says Allan Briesmaster, the current Iron Poet North Annex. In fact, the art of making saucy literary reductions is what this Master Poet is best known for. "When I started in this business all I had was a dream and my mother's incredible recipe for Sestinas in the Provincial style," Briesmaster reminsces. Now Briesmaster is an international celebrity, famous for his longtime stint as the organizer of the Art Bar Reading Series and his new line of poetry seasonings. "People thought I was mad to hold the Art Bar in not one but two Hungarian Restaurants, figuring that Hungarian verse was a little heavy in an age when people were being more conscious of the kinds of poetry they were putting in their bodies. I think I proved that just because verse has a certain gravitas doesn't mean that it's unhealthy. In fact, people were surprised to find out that my writing was so flavourful yet had fewer calories per verse paragraph than almost anything from the New York School." These are the kind of secrets that have gone into Briesmaster's new line of Magic Poetry Seasonings. "I used to do a lot of travelling, and was was forced to listen to a ton of dull poetry on the way. So I carried a blend of interesting poetic elements with me wherever I went, and quietly slipped them into all the unexciting verse I encountered." Now poetry gourmands across the world can purchase their own Briesmaster Magic Poetry Seasonings, including Weighted Light, Unleaving and his most recent blend Phantelles, along with his mysteriously titled cookbook To Serve Man. Briesmaster is coy about his other plans for the future, but his plans for Tuesday is to claim the King of Iron Poets tournament in the name of Iron Poet North Annex.

nicole brossard
Canada's revered poet, novelist and essayist has finally come clean. "Yes, I've started a cult," states multiple Governor General's Award winner Nicole Brossard. "It just seemed like a natural progression given the nature of my work."

Brossard's entry into the world of religious sects was a reluctant one. It all began with a group of intrepid post-graduates in the CompLit program at Montréal?s McGill University. "While researching Brossard's work Le Desert Mauve for my upcoming thesis on Gnosticism, reality television and avant-garde literature from Quebec I started noticing what I thought were superficial correspondences," says one of the PhD students who wishes to remain anonymous. What she noticed in her studies was a strange resonance between The Mauve Desert, The 1616 Gnostic masterpiece Virga Aurea by Scots Catholic James Bonaventure Hepburn, and the fate of individual contestants on ABC television?s Are You Hot? Apparently, Brossard's writing could be mapped almost directly over Hepburn's exhaustive catalogue of seventy-two mystical languages. What?s more, by doing a Kabbalistic reading of the two texts one could determine with one-hundred percent accuracy whether any given participant on the T.V. show would be found Hot or Not by the program's audience. It was absolutely uncanny, too uncanny to ignore.

"OK, you got me," said Brossard when questioned about the prophetic quality of her work. "My work is not only concerned with issues of desire and gender in contemporary society, it is also a scrying device that is designed to predict the results of such programs as Survivor: Thailand and Temptation Island. When you think about it these issues are not unrelated."

Since revealing her mystical abilities her acolytes have been busily translating her work into all the magical languages of the Virga Aurea, including Angelic, Coelestial, Seraphic, and Solomonic. Nicole Brossard is in Toronto to launch The Blue Books, a collection of three long-out-of-print, groundbreaking Brossard titles, in their original Coach House Press English translations (A Book by Larry Shouldice, Turn of a Pang and French Kiss by the acclaimed Patricia Claxton). A Book will also be featured in a new Seraphic translation by Lexiconjury's own Brossardian adept Angela Rawlings. Rawlings, in the course of translating the book, had a chance to ask Nicole who would prevail in the latest American Idol, suggesting that the Lex audience would love to know. "Well, they'll just have to buy the books," she replied with wink, "they'll just have to buy the books."

kyle buckley
thrill to all five ghostly staves of KYLE BUCKLEY!

nancy bullis
nancy bullis is now widely considered to be one the world's most important events, being declared "the greatest conspiracy of the new millenium". nancy has categorically denied any wrongdoing, but was gracious in accepting her award at a ceremony held last week. nancy has denied having ties to over 30 highly influential individuals and organizations around the world, including the Canadian Bar Association, the Sticky Fingers Fan Club, and the British Monarchy. the effects of her conspiracy can be felt everywhere, and was most recently in the news when queen elizabeth bestowed knighthood upon mick jagger. it is rumoured that nancy will be reading from her translations of the dead sea scrolls, though she denies all knowledge at this point in time. 

alice burdick
So there was this time when White Alice Burdick met Black Alice Burdick for lunch, and White Alice Burdick and Black Alice Burdick were trying to keep from chuckling as they shook each other's hands, and then, arm-and-arm like buddies, White Alice Burdick and Black Alice Burdick sat down for tea, and White Alice Burdick added some milk to Black Alice Burdick's tea, and Black Alice Burdick added some sugar to White Alice Burdick's tea, and White Alice Burdick smiled at Black Alice Burdick so that Black Alice Burdick wouldn't suspect anything, and Black Alice Burdick smiled at White Alice Burdick so that White Alice Burdick wouldn't suspect anything, and while White Alice Burdick wasn't looking Black Alice Burdick dumped the her tea on the ground, and while Black Alice Burdick wasn't looking White Alice Burdick dumped her tea on the ground, and these two cats just happened to come up and drink the tea, and they both ended up dead because Black Alice Burdick poisoned White Alice Burdick's cup, and White Alice Burdick poisoned Black Alice Burdick's cup, and it was funny, and then there was this time when White Alice Burdick was walking with a big flower on her lapel and a briefcase labeled "Top Secret", and she was holding this button behind her back with a trigger on it that looked like it was wired to the big flower, then Black Alice Burdick came along and leaned in to look at White Alice Burdick's flower, and White Alice Burdick pushed the button to make the flower do whatever it was going to do to Black Alice Burdick, but White Alice Burdick didn't know that Black Alice Burdick had switched the trigger mechanism to set off some explosives that were attached to White Alice Burdick's leg blowing up White Alice Burdick, and Black Alice Burdick took the briefcase labeled "Top Secret" and laughed, but when she opened it there was nothing inside, not even one secret, and it was funny. "Burdick vs. Burdick" has recently been released as a videogame for XBox and Playstation 2.

stephen cain
offering comprehensive poetry solutions for home and office.

stephen cain as christian bök
Safety goggles have finally made the party circuit, adding both wit and whimsy in a line dominated by unseemly goggles and their sweaty eye-sockets. Sweet and sassy with a hint of elitism, the "fitted princess" line, detailed with proceduralism, cuts away at the waist and complements most avant-garde work flawlessly.

stephen cain and the deep moles
After countless hours of tracking beverage consumption in James Bond films, Cain is more than willing to agree with Stein that "liquor is a liquor is a liquour" and move on with things. Cain has recalled the Lexiconjury Deep Moles from their European assignments and is sure to turn in one of the swingingest collaborative poetry performances seen this side of the Atlantic since the Lyrical Saboteurs took out the Bohemian Embassy in 1982. Cain recently received his PhD in Literary Mixology from York University, and is considered by many to be a living refutation of the inverse relationship between sweetness and sophistication.

natalee caple
It's not just snobs and nostalgics who want to see a revival of traditional Caple studies. This summer, over 50 young Caple scholars spent a week testing their academic skills, conjugating verbs, shouting slogans, and tying on togas at a beach resort in Grand Bend, Ontario. If you ever want to see anything strange in your life," says Rob Alpone, the director of CapleCamp, "watch kids in summer sitting down spending an hour and a half making literary medleys like one of Toronto's foremost authors." Though he did not continue studying Caple at university, Alpone cites his early exposure to her work as having given him a foundation that bolstered his other pursuits. "It's helped me understand how to pick things apart logically," he says. "Happy People in an Ordinary World is the first book that ever taught me how to look at things from multiple points of view -- it really set me up to thoroughly investigate all of the factors before I make a decision. You have to do that with Caple. It's a great message for kids. It's why I started this program." With CapleCamp, the author of The Heart Is Its Own Reason can finally say that she's shed her image of being the exclusive territory of urban hipsters and intellectuals by captivating a whole new generation of medley-loving youth.

natalee caple
The plight of the ordinary N. Caple virus has been extraordinary indeed. N. Caple virus can be traced to rural Wales, and some pathologists believe that it could be responsible for the disappearance of certain vowels in the Welsh language. N. Caple allowed researchers to draw a connection between virulent pathogens and quality literary production. N. Caple is a complicated virus, attacking both the cardio-pulmonary system and higher language functions at the same time. No bookshelf is safe from its ravages, which includes heightened body temperature, an irregular heartbeat, and a penchant for repeating every sentence one speaks into French.

margaret christakos
margaret is one of a class of blue celestial objects having the appearance of stars when viewed through a telescope, and is currently believed to be one of the most distant and most luminous objects in the universe. her name is shortened from the quasi-stellar radio source. 

margaret christakos as leonard cohen
From classic to sporty, bohemian to ethnic, Christakos wears the Anglo-Montréal sensibility that offers many options to update your look. The entire Cohen line was a hit on the catwalks of Manhattan last spring and took Berlin by storm earlier this month. Magic is alive and God is afoot in the traditional metrics ($380-$450), with just a hint of the Aegean in the mid-calf fictive wrap.

jason christie
flee in terror from JASON CHRISTIE, the "roast beast of poetry"!

jason christie
Clients begin with voice-guided visualization of Calgary while lightweight, non-intrusive practitioners rock, swing, and jiggle the limbs and torsos. The Calgary Approach believes that one's Christies and Kruks must be in delicate alignment if people are to achieve overall literary benefit. Clients are also taught sound poems to use at home to reinforce the experience from their sessions. Professional certification is available.

kevin connolly
(british upper canada): from the mouth of the mississippi to the edge of the great lakes, kevin connolly is one of literature's most decisive encounters. "his is a remarkable ear," writes the fort york poetry review. "it listens quietly while doing the dishes, and bravely sets forth through incredible odds, as if to warn the reader of the dark knowledge that it has overheard. kevin has truly earned his reputation as the laura secord of canadian letters." 

michelle cross
"A brave and uplifting poet. Michelle Cross attacks core metaphysical presuppositions in a way that cleanses mind, body and soul. I doubt she will be denied selection as an Oprah pick for long." - O, The Oprah Magazine 

michelle cross as jane austen
Cross' Austen displays both sense and sensibility, mixing the fragility of fiction with the sharpness of heels. A clueless elegance allows the matching ferocity to peek through, accessorized with rock and roll details — chapter after chapter of chain fringe, leather lacing and hard-core endings turn up the volume on gutsy glamour.

brian joseph davis
THE BRIAN JOSEPH DAVIS DIET History is filled with fad poetry movements, but none quite took hold like the BRIAN JOSEPH DAVIS diet. In 1979 Davis published his first book, "The Brian Joseph Davis Medical Poetry Diet" to great acclaim and popularity. Davis' diet was counterintuitive, advocating the use of popular culture over heavy symbolism, television imagery over traditional imagery, and artificial verse forms over free verse. Critics were quick to stem the effects of the Brian Joseph Davis diet, contesting its slimming effects as "mere water loss" and stating that a reliance on junk culture not only created the basis for poor writing habits but was also medically dangerous. Still, The Brian Joseph Davis diet had its notable advocates, including V.C. Andrews, Venom drummer Abaddon and Canadian film director Bob Clark. At the time, Davis was quoted as saying "If my literary legacy ended with Flowers in the Attic, Venom's Black Metal and Porky's I'd still die a happy man." Davis himself will present an updated form of his diet, and will field questions from medical professionals who will challenge his assertion that poetry can survive entirely on the pseudo-science presented in C.S.I. and its derivatives C.S.I.: Miami and C.S.I.: New York.

lise downe
awakening the healing power of cryptological algorithms and their implementations.

christine duncan
Christine Duncan, fresh off her win at the Academy Awards for "Best Soundsinging in a Live Action Short Film", as the world's leading authority on the ancient art of "Verbal Semaphore". When her vocalizations got too close to the truth, she was drawn into a world of intrigue and betrayal where even the most innocuous writer could well have been a deadly assassin bent on her destruction. Now trapped within the nightmarish alternate reality of literature, she has only one chance to escape...

paul dutton
TORONTO (E! Online) - The new television season is nearly upon us, and no program has been more hotly anticipated in Canadian literary circles than Paul Dutton's new reality-based show coming to Book TV this fall, dubbed "The Lofters for the literary set." Paul Dutton, of course, is the famous Canadian poet and musician who belonged to the legendary 70s supergroup "The Four Horsemen". The show will follow the real-life saga of the current CCMC frontman and solo artist as he goes about his daily life in his newly purchased home in downtown Toronto's west end. The program purports to show fans of the poet a softer, gentler side that the public rarely sees. With this in mind Book TV has called the show "Tender Dutton", a play on the title of the influential Gertrude Stein book of 1914.

Some critics have slammed Dutton for taking a route that has been paved by such stars as Ozzy Osbourne and Anna Nicole Smith, but Toronto Star cultural analyst and film critic Geoff Pevere begs to differ. "Paul Dutton is no Anna Nicole Smith. He's made his mark with talent and consistent output, and has stayed on top with savvy marketing choices. There really is no comparison." As Dutton himself put it, "I have a great deal of respect for what Ozzy and Anna are trying to do, but ultimately we lead different lifestyles. I think that the Book TV viewer is ready for a grittier show, one that shows a real-life poet struggling like everyone else. I think the viewer will really identify with my lifestyle in a way that they can't with the big-moneyed stars like Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne."

That said, reality tv has become an attractive option to celebrities, a way to keep their name in the forefront of western culture. Dutton's agent has worked hard to keep his name in the news, a challenge that is both difficult and time consuming, especially given the avant-garde nature of his works. "Dutton is not just a man," says his agent Clive Gilbert, "he's a phenomenon, one that has to be carefully constructed. His work is exacting and demanding." When pressed on some of Dutton's legendary extravagances in the past, and some of the negative media attention, he replied somewhat cryptically, "given the tremendous amount of detailed information that must be assembled and managed in producing someone like Paul Dutton, it's a testament to the skill and care of those who compile and edit Paul that errors don't creep into him more often than they do." In the end, both Dutton and his agent think this is the right move: "I want my fans to see the real me, the one behind the one who is hiding."

Tender Dutton will air Tuesday nights at 8pm starting September 17th. The show will co-launch with "The Horseman: Live at Last", a rereleased and remastered album originally titled "Double Live at the Western Front". Dutton is also planning to mount DuttonFest next summer, a national tour featuring himself alongside of popular sound poetry acts that have been influenced by his work.

chris fickling
chris fickling swoops over the startled city like a winged wraith, spraying the powerful and weak alike with his remarkable adhesive foam.

maggie helwig
inspirational art-damaged noise hidden within tight, melodic prose... a perfect blend of coconut juice and vodka. 

sheila heti
SIBERIA, RUSSIA (London Times) — A team of Japanese and Russian scientists is pursuing a dream of resurrecting a long-extinct poetics that has been misunderstood since the ice age. They want to resurrect the poetics using the DNA of frozen Sheila Heti texts, even though they have yet to unearth usable material in Siberia.

A hunter discovered two frozen Sheila Heti works in the permafrost eight years ago, but due to lack of funds the local authorities only visited the site in 1997 and could not afford to excavate. Japanese interest in the find was excited and two universities funded an expedition this month.

The texts appears to have been caught in an avalanche which made it tumble onto its spine, and crushed it on to the permafrost between 25,000 and 30,000 years ago. Heti works frozen immediately after publishing are rare gems, as there is a higher chance of their syntax and formalist concerns being preserved. Scientists hope to use poetics fragments to infuse a more modern book of short stories; after a few generations of this process they are confident that they will generate a story that is at least 80% authentic Sheila Heti.

"We've never seen a Pre-Cambrian poetics so intact," said University of Toronto Paleopoetologist Linda Sevigny, who was asked to accompany the Japanese/Russian team because of her extensive knowledge in the field. "I mean, nothing is missing. Now we'll get a chance to test the theories that poetics in the time of Sheila Heti were even more sophisticated than contemporary ones, almost resembling fiction."

About 100 Heti stories have been recovered in Russia and Northen Canada, among them the world’s finest literary examples. These include the skeleton of the prose work "The Princess and the Plumber", found in Yakutia in 1806, and the Berezovka story (otherwise known as "A Bench for Marianne and Todd", an outline recovered in northeastern Siberia in 1901). Many of the sketches and fragments have been published in a work known as the "The Middle Stories".

A mitigating factor in uncovering Hetian poetics has always been limited funds and even more limited technology. Japanese researchers have made great advances in recent years, however, and now use a sensitive detection device known as a "modulated coherent synthetic Doppler-effect X-band pulse-repetition/pulse-compression lobe planar array" to ferret out even the tiniest specimen of frozen writing.

As Sevigny points out, much of the excitement is due to the realization that what may have been thought as short stories may reveal themselves to be full-length novels. "Heti's production may well have been prolific on a scale never before dreamed," she points out. "It is thought that as many as ten million stories are buried in the Siberian permafrost. This is shallow in many areas, but because Siberia is so sparsely populated, it is thought that their remains may go unearthed for hundreds of years in more impassable areas."

The expedition is expected to start by early next spring.  

sheila heti
Sheila is taking a break from her recent "Ahoy Sheila!" tour of Wal-Marts across North America and China to bring her record-breaking hit single right here to Lexiconjury. No, Heti hasn't broken sales records - at least not yet! - but she does hold the trophy for the longest song title EVER at a whopping 52 words! "We decided to do a medley of the great medleys of the past," explains Heti, "but we were forced to put in a word from each song title for contractual reasons." No matter -- with Heti's distinct vocals and all those great backing tracks "Do You Remember Being Hooked On The Seasons Of Pumping Up The Parade Of Unlimited Dope Citations of Ultimate Essential Old School Super Hot Patriotic Mega-Chic Purple Polka Powered Free-Stylin' Mega-Volume Five-Star Big Band SuperMegaHit Hyper-Disco Mondo Jams on 45 Until You Drop? (Boney M Christmas Mix)" is sure to take the Billboard charts by storm!

jesse huisken
the hot fields, the right approach, the time-tested strategies... jesse's carboniferous poetry turns britpop into paleobotany. tingling, yet woodsy.

stephen humphrey of GenePo Inc.
"I was bored," admitted Humphrey, when we asked him about the history of GenePo, the company he founded to further explorations into "Pataphysical genetic modification. "I had been attending the annual Raelian Cloning Exhibition and Motocross Rally for years, and found that it began to lack a certain, well, imagination. I mean, the dirt bikes were great, don't get me wrong. I like a good bike race as much as anyone, but the cloning... how dull. There were, like, two of everything... it was mini-me city... People would walk around the convention centre with their baby clones and say, 'Have you seen my daugter? She's sooo cute... I think she looks just like her mother' and everyone would titter. Raelian humour. Sheesh. All this power, and all they can think of is duplication? Of "cleansing" the gene pool? That's when I thought that I'd like to use genetic modification for something more artistically interesting, something that has a proven track record when it comes to bettering society, something like lipograms."

Now for the uninitiated, a lipogram is a poetic form where one or more letters are excluded from a written work. And Humphrey has taken this noble practice to a whole new medium - the human genome. For a reasonable fee, GenePo will encode your favourite text right onto a sample of your DNA... "and nine months later we'll deliver your "PataClone right to your front door." Visitors to the Lexhibition may get to see one of Humphrey's greatest clones... encoded with an excerpt from Thomas Aquinas. "It was a great passage, a real fave," said Humphrey. "We extracted the letters T, A, C and G from the text according to genetic convention (from Thymine, Adenine, Cytosine and Guanine), and formed base pairs. The passage read 'Every body is divisible. And whatever is divisible requires something to keep together and unite its parts. Consequently if the soul were a body, it would have something else to hold it together, and this yet more would be the soul: since we observe that when the soul departs the body perishes.' It yielded the following base sequences... A-A-T-T G-T-T-G A-A-C-T and so forth. Neat, eh? And I'll definitely have 'lil Tom on display next tuesday... if he's still alive." Well, we at Lexiconjury can say for all of us... here's pullin' for the little critter.

clifton joseph
clifton joseph remains one of the most compelling stories in canadian literary history. his first work, "design studies of a prototype supersonic all-weather poet", was considered the most advanced of its time, easily outdistancing the world's less powerful rivals with its combination of speed and rapier wit. most of his early documents were destroyed, however, when a short-sighted canadian government bowed to pressure from american poetry interests who were developing their own "spy-poet" program to much more limited success. the actual truth of the matter is still under debate, but lexiconjury will not bow to american pressure, and is delighted to reassemble the orginal clifton schematics for our series. 

ryan knighton
Master code breaker RYAN KNIGHTON reflects on his days of field duty as well as his new job as curator of Vancouver's Museum of Literary Espionage. Knighton will talk about the dramatic final days leading up to his finally cracking Leonard Cohen's Beautiful Losers, a work that many in the Canadian Literary Establishment thought unbreakable. Solving Postmodern Encryption was a turning point in the Semantic Wars of the late 60s, putting Knighton on par with legendary cryptotheorists like Jean-Francois Champollion, Alan Turing and Jean Baudrillard. After making the country safe for Postmodernism, Knighton has turned to amassing a collection of some of the most important artifacts in Canada's long history of literary espionage. "Canadian authors have a reputation for being somewhat frumpy, not matching the Europeans in sophistication, sprezzatura and swing," Knighton explains. "They'll change their minds when they see our world famous collection of Steve McCaffery's martini stemware!"

frances kruk
Clients begin with voice-guided visualization of Calgary while lightweight, non-intrusive practitioners rock, swing, and jiggle the limbs and torsos. The Calgary Approach believes that one's Christies and Kruks must be in delicate alignment if people are to achieve overall literary benefit. Clients are also taught sound poems to use at home to reinforce the experience from their sessions. Professional certification is available.

nobuo kubota
Previous Awards: Runner-up, Miss Thinly Sliced Wooden Letters 2001, Miss Mxyzptlk 2000
Favourite Colour: Fuschia
Talent: Kubota uses an advanced magic-like science from the Fifth Dimension to rearrange literary molecules. He recently morphed Laurence's Stone Angel into Pascal's Sweet Valley High: Tia in the Middle, and is planning on using his sound poetry talents as a woodchipper for the talent portion of Miss Parallel Universe 2002.
Platform: "Screw magic realism," declared Nobuo at a recent jazzercise class. "The world needs realistic magic, and my home recipe for killer thighs!"
Daily Philosophy: Beauty is just the beginning...

beth learn
author of "Blackie Lawless Built My Hotrod and other Mathematical Transformations".

karen mac cormack
"The writing of Karen Mac Cormack reveals the poetics of a former butcher shop, complete with authentic 12-inch mouldings. The post-and-beam structure of her latest work is especially impressive given its ability to stave off the heat-loss normally associated with poetry." - Architectural Digest

judy macdonald
in its simplest form, judy macdonald consists of a single author trapped in a heart-shaped box. the box is sealed, such that she cannot be acoustically observed. at this point there are two authors. after a brief exploratory period the reading begins, and the universe splits into a pair of parallel universes, one where the audience hears author A, and the other where they hear author B. this is known as the many worlds interpretation. the many worlds interpretation was the basis for the popular 90s television show "Melrose Place".

michael mahy
michael mahy suddenly appears across the street, melting an early morning garbage truck. 

danielle maveal
bringing poetic evidence of five separate and distinct forms of underwear.

steve mccaffery
in its simplest form, steve mccaffery consists of a single author trapped in a glass box. the box is filled with water and has no visible means of escape. after a brief exploratory period the author is lowered into the box, at which point the reading begins. the box, when powered in this way and fitted with a proper antenna, can pick up CFTO, CITY-TV and the CBC. on clear days its reception has been known to stretch all the way to buffalo.

katie mcgown
SUGARY BLOOMFIELDS WITH DRIZZLED McGOWN The key to healthy living is moderation. What good is poetry if you can't sneak a peek at some visual art every now and then? Here's Lexiconjury's secret recipe for a little indulgence, Sugary Bloomfields with Drizzled McGown. People believe that DACCIA BLOOMFIELD is hard to make from scratch and often resort to store bought brands. Not true! Simply mix bulk biomorphism with 1 cup of prose narrative and 2 separated perspectives and sketch with ink or charcoal. Next, form the mixture into individual entities and place on a greased acetate. Preheat E-Z Bake overhead projector to 350 degrees and cook for 15 minutes. While the Bloomfields are baking it's time to prepare your KATIE McGOWN. Knit three honeyed hymenoptera into fisherman's ribs or elongated chevrons. Reduce heat, add utensils and install. When Bloomfields have cooled drizzle your McGown installation and sprinkle with sugar until well disciplined. Don't forget to share!

jeremy mcleod
memories of a lifetime spent reverse engineering the gordian knot.

peter mcphee
Paleontololgist Peter McPhee has presented what is perhaps the most controversial thesis in contemporary love studies... that love is indeed not eternal, nor is it even terrestrial. McPhee's research in the northern Yucatan Peninsula has concluded that the origin of love on this planet can be dated to the boundary between the Cretaceous and Tertiary periods, roughly 65 million years ago. "It was love that killed the dinosaurs," says McPhee, with the assurance and calm of a much older man. His evidence? A circular ring of fractured and unfractured rock which suggests a largish impact from outer space. The "Cenote" ring was discovered quite by accident with Landsat Thematic Mapper imagery during a survey of the region, a survey that was initially in search of ancient Mayan water sources. At first, scientists concluded that the impact created a catastrophic mix of dust and cloud, blocking out the sun and plunging temperatures around the globe. McPhee, however, disagrees: "The crater was too small. The impact's size blocked nothing like the sun." McPhee did another survey, and on a hunch set the Lansat Mapper to the theme of Love: "We found beautiful imagery, imagery that led me to discover a small hunk of charred, carbonized love at impact ground zero. Love hit the earth like an arrow to the heart, and soon spread uncontrollably. That lead to the rise of flowering plants, and ultimately the death of the dinosaur. And in that lies the danger of the tale: it's truly amazing what a little love can do." We here at Lexiconjury look forward to McPhee's insights into the field, including his demonstration of the advanced techniques in love detection known as "carbon dating".

peter mcphee
inspired by the cool, summery colours in laura's house, peter has created book after book of seaside-themed poetry as a fresh alternative to traditional red, green and gold.

jay MillAr
Jay MillAr (flute) as "Myconid Mike". The ersatz villain of the piece is played by the immensely talented rock flautist Jay MillAr. MillAr plays Myconid Mike with dastardly aplomb, relishing his role as a psylocibin-pushing lyricist who tempts Joan of Rock into a life of hallucinogenic nightmare. His flute solo in the number "The Dawning of the Age of Scorpio" showcases both his talent and his aggressive style of flute playing. "I don't really see Mike as a villain. In a way, this is a story about Vietnam... Mike is trying to save Joan from a life of war by showing her all of the mind-expanding possibilities of a life of rock. It's a message I believe in." Lexapalooza feels quite privileged to have MillAr onstage so quickly after his fifty-city tour of "Jaythro TullAr", a one-man tribute to the world's greatest rock 'n' roll flute player Ian Anderson. "When I'm playing Jaythro TullAr i don't see it as just him, or just me, i see it as both of us, where he and i blend to form a kind of musical grey." MillAr has been cast as a villain in many a Rock Opera, owing primarily to his understated demeanour and menacing choice of instrument. But there is a sincerity that infuses his performances, a sincerity that stems from understanding his characters as more than just melodramatic fiends. "Like Mike, I came from a very poor family. I was just a poor boy, nobody loved me. So I understand Myconid Mike's laissez-faire attitude, you know, that easy come, easy go thing." When asked what he likes about being in this Rock Opera, MillAr states simply, "I don't just see this as a passion play, i see it as a passionate play, where the black and white blend to form a kind of romantic grey." Well Jay, let the grey shine, let the grey shine in.

sana mulji
Previous Awards: Miss Logic and Proportion Have Fallen Softly Dead 1998, Miss HalluciCongeniality 1999 (1st Attendant).
Favourite Colour: Clear. "Oh, and then there's the water in the Asylum level. Let's just say... awesome".
Talent: Competitive Organ, Eye and Tissue Donation.
Platform: Mulji asserts a need for modern society to return to the basics in order to save endagered animals. "The JubJub Birds are crying for help," she asserts, "and if I were Miss Parallel Universe 2002 I'd do all that I could to save them. And the poor poor Bandersnatch. It has this reputation for being frumious that is entirely unwarranted." She also feels the addition of a Caucus-Race would greatly enhance the Pageant.
Daily Philosophy: Drink Me. Eat Me. Feed your head. Feed your head. Feed your head.

darren o'donnell
Dramatic dysfunction doesn’t have to be a problem. Playwright Darren O’Donnell is minimally invasive and may offer the hot real life teen solution you have been waiting for. O’Donnell takes ordinary people (some of them right out of the unemployment line and others out of Regis Philbin's studio audience) and shows them exactly what to do to create critically acclaimed plays - THEN THEY DO IT! What’s O’Donnell’s secret? Why an all-natural herbal theatre enhancement system that will increase the amount of drama in your production by as much as 150%. Get fuller, firmer monologues shipped right to your local reading series, the only ones with the O’Donnell’s proprietary blend of natural ingredients. Imagine getting White Mice, Boxhead, pppeeeaaaccceee and other classic O’Donnell cartridges all on one CD! You're back!

rajinderpal s. pal
Raj Pal, acclaimed author of such works as pappaji wrote poetry in a language i cannot read and Pulse, is a formidable opponent and well deserving of his title of Iron Poet Calgary. We here at Lexiconjury prefer to let his battle card speak for itself... Battle Mango: win. Battle Kamo Eggplant: Win. Battle Fermented Japanese Root Plant: Win. Battle Pert Plus for Damaged Hair: Loss. Battle Dried Cuttlefish: Win. Battle of The Network Stars: Win. Battle Fatty Tuna: Loss. Battle Charlie the Tuna: Win. Battle Themonuclear War: Loss. Battle Baby Bok Choy: Win. Battle Negative Capability: Win. Battle Dropped Toast That Stays Butter Side Up: Win. Battle of Alberta: Loss (sorry, Calgary). Battle Prairie Fiction in the Style of Margaret Laurence: Loss. Battle Damn I Wish We Had Chinooks In Toronto: Win. Battle Virtual Racewalker II: Loss. Battle Royale: Win. Battle of the Planets: Win (with a stunning Fiery Phoenix flambe). Battle Emotions Recollected in Tranquility: Win. Battle Man Do The Matrix Sequels Suck Major Ass: Win. Battle Last Time Raj Pal Was In Town Bill's Night Ended in Excessive Cocktail Drinking Followed By Projectile Vomiting, Which Is Not To Be Confused With Projective Verse: Win. Battle Projective Verse: Win. Final Record: 17-5-1 (the last being for Battle Thermonuclear War, because that's a battle nobody wins). 17-5 people. Enough said. Other Iron Poets stand prepared.

katherine parrish
Inventor and famed recluse Katherine Parrish has been a hot topic of discussion ever since her disappearance from public view in the late '80s. Parrish, the inventor of the renowned "mechanical bucking bull", went into hiding after winning the World Duelling Banjos title from longtime Soviet champion Yuri Dobronov. "Yee haw! That was weirder than my pappy on a jug o' whiskey!" recalls U.S. International Banjo Master Tex Slims. "Young missy shows up with her banjo, aight, but she also shows up with this Robot. Nothin' in the rules says that a robot can't play the banjo, and whoo-ee, boy could it play the banjo. People were yellin' and screamin', they couldn't believe it. Not only did that robot pluck them strings real good, it plucked 'em with the fire of a bull in heat." Parrish's invention, dubbed the BanjoBot, used its extended library of Dobronov's previous duels as well as its bulk processing power (which was able to calculate four licks in advance!) to play the Russian banjo player into submission. These days, BanjoBots are everywhere, but Parrish herself has all but disappeared, leaving only a wake of speculation in the Country and Western Robotics community. Their star figure, who was instrumental in bringing cowboy culture to the bars and radios of the city, was gone.

Parrish later resurfaced, sending a series of cryptic emails to online bulletin boards and leaking a number of inventions into the public domain. Lexiconjury, wondering what happened to this reclusive figure, followed leads directly to her winter home in Austin, Texas, and managed to get her to relent to her first interview in 10 years. "I just felt there wasn't much to explore in the field of Cowboy Robotics: the BanjoBot, the Yodelax [a prosthetic thorax that enchanced yodelling], all were good for what they were. But I started to think less about WHAT the cowboys were doing, and more about WHY they were making music in the first place. I realized that they were making music because they were lonely - and it made me very sad. Hell - if I could use technology to mend one broken cowboy heart, if I could turn one 'bury me not' into a 'yippee-ki-yo-yippee-ay', i'd be one happy inventor." Her first attempts, the Love-O-Meter and the Bio-Rhythm Index were, by her own admission, limited successes. The Love-O-Meter was a stand-alone machine that predicted a person's prospects for love based on heart rate and galvanic skin response, and was a hit in cowboy bars and malls across North America. The Bio-Rhythm Index charted happiness based on three indices - emotions, health and intellect - based on rigorous statistical analyses. "The Bio-Rhythm Index found its way into thousands of newspapers, but it really failed to make a significant impact with lonely cowboy poets. But that won't be said of my next invention." Lex is thrilled that Parrish has chosen our series to reveal her latest invention, an Internet-based system (codenamed "Lucile") that she believes will address loneliness right across the prairies. "All I can say is that there will be fewer tears in fewer beers," she says. Amen to that.

emily pohl-weary
Pohl-Weary A is a more recent form of the mysterious and anomalous Merril J retrovirus of the 50s and 60s, the virus which caused quite the scandal in its day. Assertions were made that Merril J was connected with crash of an alleged alien spacecraft in Roswell in 1947. While such claims have been discounted by numerous authorities, the modern variant, Pohl-Weary, continues to baffle researchers as did its predecessor. Pohl-Weary B is most commonly found in common grains, ravaging large swaths in remarkably circular patterns, though leading pathologists have very little idea why. Pohl-Weary A creates a profound affinity for certain forms of literature in humans, an affinity that causes infected patients to sculpt short stories in soft foods such as mashed potatoes and cooked oatmeal. Pohl-Weary A is most commonly transmitted by kissing.

prize budget for boys
in its simplest form, prize budget for boys consists of three authors trapped in a small metal box. the box is equipped with a lever that, when pressed, activates the release of a can of mountain dew. after a brief exploratory period, the authors will repeat the lever-pushing and ultimately make an association between the operant and audience reaction. at night they emit a soft glow, not unlike phosphor, or the end of a cigarette.

a.rawlings
angela rawlings has paralyzed the city. yorkville shoppers flee in horror. traffic is halted. angela is a genius, but would never have defeated her formidable foes without the help of the second great menace, rampaging katherine parrish, now more powerful than ever.

rob read
oulipean riffs for the natural lifestyle generation. 

rob read
Rob Reads' colorful variety show includes a moving patriotic medley that begins when Read parachutes onto the stage in army fatigues. "I grew up entertaining the military, so (this segment) was a natural for me," Read says. Reading series around the country have since borrowed this arrangement and adapted it to their own use. "It's a bumpy, action-packed simulation ride", says Pete Owen, Read's public relations manager. "It's filled with local flavour, and its selection of live fish, turtles, frogs and fresh produce is sure to wow any audience." Later this year Rob plans on releasing the Read Patriotic ThemePak, a collection of over 2000+ clipart images, icons, screensavers, desktop themes and cursors that gives new insight into this one-man war on terror. 

michael redhill
NOTE: michael had to cancel his original lex appearance. we hope to reschedule him soon.
Previous Awards: Miss Nature Runs Amok 2001, Miss Tiny Monsters in the Basement 1971.
Favourite Colour: Puce, the sweet colour of revenge.
Talent: Redhill chews through narrative like so much damp chipboard, and is ready to take on Nobuo in this category. He's also quite crafty at making bildungsroman out of common household items.
Platform: More than a just a plot, Michael Redhill is all about mood, character and fun. "Someday everybody will be about mood, character and fun, everybody..." said Michael in his award winning speech at the Miss Nature Runs Amok pagaent last year.
Daily Philosophy: Where your nightmares end, Redhill begins.

michael redhill
So, friends, have you heard of Michael Redhill? If you say that he's the latest craze in fiction and poetry you'd be right on the money! What you may not know is that Redhill is your first line of defense in case of enemy attack. Surprised? Don't be... here in the information age the battleground for the hearts and minds of our country's citizens will be fought not with guns or with bombs, but with words. Fires can be dangerous, especially when left uncontrolled. But we are prepared, and have a fire department to help us tame the most raging of blazes. Cars can be dangerous as well, but we are prepared with traffic laws and automated signal systems that we all must obey. Now, we must be prepared for a new danger - enemy literature. That's why we have Michael Redhill. What you think of as an intelligent writer who's fun to read and dance to is also your lifeline in case you face the scourge of writing bent on your demise and the destruction of the values you hold dear. What does enemy literature look like? Well, it's difficult to tell. Some enemy writing looks like the books and small press items that you are used to. Some may have been given to you by your friends. You may have enemy literature in your library or knapsack right now. But whenever you feel that your freedom to think and to choose are being attacked, quickly put that book down and pick up a copy of something by Redhill, works such as Martin Sloane, Lake Nora Arms or his new work Fidelity. And if someone tells you that they don't like Michael Redhill's writing, make sure to inform your parents or your local police officer right away.

stan rogal
Stan Rogal is actually the virulent form of the bacteria Stanrogia Betsicilae, a common pathogen. Stanrogia outbreaks tend to occur in winter, not because the cold lowers literary resistance as is often assumed, but rather because people tend to cluster indoors in artistic environments (like theatres and poetry readings) where the Stanrogia bacteria is most commonly found. Stanrogia‚s reach is broad: phylogenetic analyses of Stanrogia Betsicilae show aspects of a great number of distinct subgroups (causing researchers to disagree as to its taxonomy). Stanrogia has been known to display aspects of the following bacterial classes: dramaturgeophage, in that it masks itself by mimicking other known literary infections; novellococcus somnabulum, in that it causes the infected person to ramble at length about people and places that do not exist, often in an authoritative tone; novellococcus minor, an acute form of novellococcus somnambulum, in that its primary symptoms often mercifully clear up in a matter of hours; and endobacter poetocoli, in that it has been known to cause hair loss.

stan rogal
We're very worried. We're worried about Stan. Big Stan to you. Stan Rogal. The Stanster. It started about two years ago. Stan, King of the Toronto Poetry Scene, started talking to Elvis every night before his readings. If it sounds freaky to you, just think how it felt to Stan. He was almost afraid to talk about it, afraid that some Frank Magazine reporter would make fun of him. But Stan became CONVINCED that Elvis was communicating with him. "You're the only one left, Stan" Elvis would say. When Stan read at his "Sub Rosa" launch last week you knew something was wrong. He never read from "Sweet Betsy From Pike." Not in a medley. Not the short version. Not the disco version. Nada. But we think we know the answer. Stan is not crazy. He IS having nightly communictions with a voice from beyond the grave. That voice does belong to Elvis. But it's a DEMONIC Elvis. It's an Elvis DETERMINED to wreck Stan's career. It's an Elvis whose only goal in life is to make sure that Stan doesn't become The King. It's an Elvis who just might show up to the Lexiconjury Birthday Bash. It's an Elvis who just might be in for the biggest shit-fight he's ever seen.

stuart ross
Stuart "School House" Ross (lead guitar) as "Bismillah". Now here's a performer that can really do the fandango, and once he does he will not let you go. He is known for his coolly sardonic fretwork and punishing power chords, and was last seen as the guitar-wielding leader of the "Fanboys" gang in "Conjunction Junction II: And So?" (an update on the classic musical "West Side Story" intended to bring better grammar to troubled youth). He also cowrote both the music and the script for the Off-Broadway production of Dr. (Henry) Kafka's Emergency Lessons for People, an engaging look at the health benefits of Vitamin-K supplements in the frightening and disorienting world of corporate bureaucracy (who could forget the stunning overture "People Need Kelp"?). Ross is no mere guitar player either – he is quite a student of the Rock Opera itself, and resents the notion that the genre has descended into pure irony. Ross says: "It's like that Simpsons episode where the two kids are talking about a show, and one says it's great, and the other asks if he's being ironic, and the first guy admits that he 'doesn't even know any more'. I think of the Rock Opera like that... it's the form that doesn't even know any more." Ross' other exploits include the founding of the Toronto Small Press Fair. "What people don't realize," he reveals, "is that the Toronto Small Press Fair was originally conceived as a Rock Opera. The funding wasn't there, so we decided on the small-pressers-peddling-their-wares format instead. That's why I jumped at the chance to be a part of Lexapalooza XI. That, and the fact that I really dig these time travel stories. They're really cool, and their narratives and themes really speak to the ages in a timeless way." Ross fans will want to pay close attention to the last act where he really gets to air out his chops in a 7 minute-long electric guitar solo in between verses of "Kum Bay Yah". It comes at the scene where Joan of Rock's mullet-headed fans turn on her and burn her at the stake. "Bismillah can do nothing but stand back, watch, and solo, and I can't help but cry every time I play it."

trish salah
Do you remember the days when you and your lover would lie undressed in bed for an entire Sunday afternoon, furtively reading passages of Ron Silliman's What? to each other until both of you were so enflamed with passion that you would take each other into your mouths, every movement of your lover's tongue like a protosyntactic utterance bringing you one step closer to the libidinal explosion of orgasm? We do too, as does motivational speaker Trish Salah. "The use of experimental literature is common in early relationships," said Salah at a recent speaking engagement for the Sons of Empire Business Association Annual Dinner in Toronto. "Experimental Lit is a part of any healthy sex life, yet like so many things it's considered dirty and gauche to talk about." Salah should know, for she has done extensive research into the relationship between extreme forms of literature and sexuality. "The history of experimental writing has always been one of libidial excess - it's about finding ecstasy through liberation from the tyranny of restricted economies of meaning. What could be sexier than that?" Salah spoke to many people on the "front lines" of avant-lit and sexuality, including the proprietors of Come As You Are and other progressive stores across the city. She wasn't surprised by what she found. "Come As You Are has an entire shelf of avant-garde literature, from Gail Scott to Steve McCaffery to Margaret Christakos, and the demand is high. This kind of writing is very sexually stimulating, but is also free from the masculinist inclinations of more traditional literature. Experimental writing allows people to recognize their own sexuality on the page rather than simply reading about some man struggling with nature and himself until the climax of the book. Tradlit is all the same - the male protagonist resolves his conflicts, the 'money' passage as it's known, and it's all over. More inclusive sexualities are only portrayed in dénoument, if at all."

Salah's main topic at her speaking engagements these days is Post-Grammatic Sexual Dysfunction, the clinical name for the point where couples lose their appetite for experimental writing, and hence for sex. "One day, they're slipping passages from Jay MillAr's Mycological Studies or Lyn Hejinian's My Life to each other under the table at Tim Horton's, and the next day they're just going through the motions once a month." Salah contends that many people don't realize the role that avant-garde literature played in their sex lives, and thus neglect it when their relationships mature. "It was experimental literature that brought you together at that dance club, and it'll be experimental literature that keeps you together in the long term" is her credo. What does Salah suggest for those who find their sex lives flagging? "Turn avant-garde lit into a game. Cover yourself in chocolate, whipped cream and pages of Finnegans Wake and wait for your lover to return home. Send a postmodern ghazal to your partner via email. Play sex roles - pretend that Gertrude Stein has returned from the dead as a vampire, only to woo her would-be Slayer into bed." Salah, in her first Lexiconjury appearance, will be talking about these topics and others, including overcoming the sense of shame that's connected with the stigma of the avant-garde, as well as the recent trend of sharing literature over the Internet. We can't wait - but in the meantime, why not crack open a page of Charles Bernstein and see what happens?

emily schultz
Schultz, which literally translated means “the science or knowledge of knowing or sciencing”, is the traditional holistic literary method of Kent County, Ontario, once thought lost after Kent's amalgamation into the City of Chatham-Kent in 1998. The Schultz Method, only recently introduced in Toronto, is a comprehensive literary care system with eight fictive subgenres, including coffee-writing and Atari-lit. The Schultz Method relies heavily on anonymous textual manipulation techniques that help to purge texts of pain and subjectivity. Schultz’s premise that wrist, hand, and keyboard are intimately connected is revolutionizing the way Lexiconjurors understand their bodies and their short stories.

gail scott
"A recent survey of the literary landscape of southern Ontario has found that 15% of readings have nitrate levels above the safe limit, 32% have bacteria levels above the safe limit, and 12% contain detectable levels of atrazine. We predict that the turbulent, westward moving writing of Gail Scott will bring needed relief to a terrain so badly damaged by the overuse of fertilizer." - The Newsletter of the Canadian Society of Agrometeorology

jordan scott
Jordan Scott is a labour poet who works one-on-one to help the pregnant author facilitate a smooth, unimpeded birth, avoiding the Caesuras brought about by unnecessary knowledge of Lacan. Jordan Scott acts as an advocate for the birthing author when interacting with sales reps on the marketing team, believing that all literature should begin at home in a comfortable and familiar environment. He ensures that the publisher and her staff understand the benefits, risks, and alternatives of all editorial suggestions. The goal is to achieve an unmedicated, non-technical, woman-centered book of poetry as long as it is safe for the baby.

sarah lucille selecky
Lucy Selecky as a mercenary heiress and fictioneer with a taste for adventure and a passion for roman à clef. Her search across the arctic wastes for the lost booty of the pirate scourge of the Northwest Passage led her to a vital clue: a single, red sempahore flag trapped deep within the tundra’s ice. After thawing the artifact in her secret laboratory, she realized the stories of her youth were untrue: Semaphore Girl was never cannibalized by Frobisher's crew and might still be alive today, if only she could find her...

lytle shaw
(united states of america): lytle is widely regarded as one of the greatest diversions of the eastern seaboard, with his complex web of people both native and new. "some poetry sends homes up in smoke," says the national intelligencer, "but the writing of lytle shaw creeps in and steals all of the 'C's from the press. every moment he captures is a heritage moment." lytle continues to cruise Lake Ontario as if engaged in a shipbuilding contest.

six heads
And there went out, in those days, a cry to the people, that upon this night, and wild like a tiger, there would be a wint'ry sleep. It was told that music would reign down, brought severally by one of six heads. In each head was a story of what would come to pass. First, that there would be a small town, terribly cold and exclusive, that would eventually melt with promise, hope, and tiny mechanical toys. Second, that there would come a Wiccan Pagan Gothic Metaphysical SUPERSTORE, but that was not talked of. Third, that the sparelit quillips would still sing the blues, but in more of a Chicago tradition. Fourth, it was certain that few would seek redemption, but those that did would find it tucked carefully away. Fifth, and foremost, that there would be different spellings, some in German, some Icelandic, some Catalan, some Castilian, and all would be catalogued dutifully in their beds. Sixth, and last, that each story would begat another, and that there would be no basis for any but tuneful moonlit sleep.

karen solie
Karen Solie was pulling in for a stopover at the Salmon River Motel and RV Park the night her life changed forever. Tired after a long day of driving, Solie switched on CBC Radio One to catch The Arts Today. Instead of Eleanor Watchtel's authoritative half-hour of interviews, criticism, features and performance, Solie heard the words she'll never forget: "Breaker breaker, Ace, you got your ears on? The bear cave is empty and you?re gonna run front door. Smokey's in a plain brown wrapper at the next milestone and he?s taking pictures, so I'm shutting this rig down at Dark 30. You got a copy on me there?"

At first Solie thought it was a new CBC radio comedy about truckers in the seventies, but she soon realized it was actually a prophetic warning of impending apocalypse. "I remember all those 'God is a Trucker' bumper stickers but I never thought much of it," said Solie. "Who knew it would be true?"

Since then, God regularly speaks to Solie in CB slang over national radio, informing her of both divine will and upcoming speed traps. Her latest work, Short Haul Engine (Brick Books), is somewhat of a gospel for the prophetic trucking set, and she's been brandishing its wisdom at truck stops, Canadian Tires and BJ and the Bear conventions all over the country. How is Solie handling the burden of being the leader of a successful eighteen-wheeler cult? "Well, it's nice to know that God has your 20 when you need the dragon wagon, but sometimes, just sometimes, you'd really like to listen to the CBC."

paula stevens
her present incarnation was born from the mad experimentation of a lone medieval biologist drunk with the thought of world domination. in this issue of lexiconjury, paula confronts the cybernetic body of thomas aquinas himself, and learns of the angels, how they were brought into natural existence and perfected in grace, how some of them became wicked, and of their sins and punishments. unphased by his spurious argumentation, paula will use the theological precision of her words and music to exact revenge on aquinas' evil shell, perhaps revealing the secrets lost in our fossil records as well. a confrontation not to be missed. there will be a sing-a-long for the children before her set.

hugh thomas
Sorts Alphabetically. References by beast name. Loads slowly but radically. Publishes thrice yearly. Groups well into a number of categories - fish, fowl, algorithm. Knows the fjords, the ice, both moons of winter. Cries, but not periodically. Undoes the gallery. Names different sources. Includes Latin, spellbooks, family bulletins. Lives on platforms. Accompanies meanderers and their herds of goats. Cross references adequately with gemenids, multiple physiologies, maps of winter runes. Suffers when required. Casts protections against all Feasts of Stephen. Delves into Beltane. Denies the Christmas album. Elates, always.

lesley trites
lesley trites backflips over a crowd of people to save them from hurled modernist texts.

mark truscott
TRUSCOTT’S Lexiconjury in association with The Food Network and Nabisco Foods are pleased to bring you our cooking demonstration "Appetizers For Living: Tricky Treats with Truscott’s Brand Snacking Crackers". What makes Truscott’s so good, and what makes them perfect for your halloween happenings? First, there's MARK TRUSCOTT, who is synonymous with poetry flavour. Truscott’s have singlehandedly changed people's perceptions, proving that low-fat short verse forms can not only be tasty, they can retain their shape and crunch even when microwaved or baked with cheese. Second: it's the ingredients, silly. Low-fat Truscott’s are made with the best... just check the package! No preservatives. No artificial flavours. Just all-natural reeds and things. So good you'll want to say it out loud! Whether going upscale or downscale, with Truscott’s brand snacking crackers you'll never have to settle for your standard halloween haikus again.

helen tsiriotakis
helen is the most sophisticated poet of her type, able to help her literary allies gather intelligence on countries throughout the mediterranean rim. designed and coordinated in the mid-70s, helen is used to intercept ordinary mail, fax, telex and telephone communications carried over the world's networks in search of victorian and post-victorian literary fragments. helen can read thousands of simultaneous messages, and detect serialized novels in "real time" using an elaborate keyword system. tsiriotakis runs on A.T.T.I.C. software, which can identify instances of both madness and bildungsroman even if they are encrypted using the latest 128-bit schemes.

rm vaughan
the music, the clothes, the affinity for graveyards, the pulse-pounding power, the seltzer for your septic soul.

steve venright
sharing slides from his latest reading tour of Malebolge and the river Phlegethon. 

steve venright as william burroughs
Cowgirls and city girls alike are relying on cut-ups in this bold return to the interzone of heroin chic. The femme-fatale splatter-print can be worn off the shoulder, and the eternally popular stories have never looked so risqué. This is the costume that exploded, fastened at the waist by an elaborate passementerie for a tailored, vintage appearance with a hint of the exotic.

steve venright
Steve Venright, who will reprise his hit role from the first "Semaphore Girl", the mad somnabulist and word inventor who was the last to see our eponymous heroine alive. After being driven into the underground by the literary establishment, he stumbled across a baffling world of sleep talkers and their strange obsession with dessert pastries. He realized that these nocturnal orators weren't simply spewing incoherent nonsense but were communicating a maddeningly elaborate code that could well contain the key to a mystery he thought could never be solved...

douglas webster
fear DOUGLAS WEBSTER and his fine collection of christmas linens!

darren wershler-henry
after uncovering the mystery of the famed "double-ligature" pattern, cain has created an intelligent and informative poet, both graceful and easy to read, especially when offset against the delicate chain-lines of zephyr laid or the smooth consistency of an ice-floe. though at his most dangerous when confronting the mindless and freakish nature of creation itself, darren is highly useable in many diverse settings, including (but not limited to) high fashion, costly perfumes and cosmetics, quality automobiles, luxurious furniture, carpets and household fittings, certain management services, good foods, fine wines, invitations, menus and announcements.

jessica westhead
Are you tired of covering up your life? Well don’t miss this one! Westhead has been described as being just like the necklace that Madonna bought for her daughter, and for good reason: her fiction has been featured in “In-Style” magazine and other National publications, and now she’s bringing her brand of personal financial growth right to your favourite reading series! Yes, this is not a misprint – Westhead’s work is like getting 2-5 massive inches of legal classical music without having to visit your doctor! Imagine seeing that the next time you go to the ATM! Just dial 1-800-MYBOTOX and one day you’ll get paid just for your opinion just like Westhead does. And you know what? That’s the true definition of freedom.

darryl whetter & bloemfontein
So, friends, how's your disposition today? Not so good? Are you not popular at school? Are you wondering why your father doesn't take you out hunting and fishing like the other guys' dads? Are you getting an unwarranted reputation for parking with boys? Do others laugh at you and never invite you along for a soda after poetry readings? Do you wonder why these kinds of things are always happening to you? Well, we'll tell you - it's your poor disposition. No one wants to be around a sourpuss, especially when they are trying to have a good time. Well, your mood will soon improve after hearing our very special guests from Windsor - writer Darryl Whetter and ambient rock band Bloemfontein. It's a psychological fact that pleasure helps your disposition, which is why we have bands like Bloemfontein: no other band is so rich tasting, so exquisite, yet so mild. Whetter and the good folks from Bloemfontein are sure to do you wonders, and after one set we'll guarantee that you'll finally get what you always wanted - a chance to finally fit in. How's your disposition today? After hearing Whetter & Bloemfontein, you're sure to say "swell, just swell!"

suzanne zelazo
"Most people don't realize the long history between literature and competitive cooking," says Suzanne Zelazo, author of the newly released Parlance and reigning Iron Poet of York University style cuisine. Zelazo cites 1965 as a watershed year for these kinds of events, when Betty Crocker left her employer, General Mills, in a contract dispute, losing a lengthy court battle over the rights to her own name and signature. Feeling stripped of her identity and her role as an icon of American Domesticity, the 50-year-old Crocker turned to the world of art, quietly joining the Fluxus collective with Alison Knowles, Joseph Beuys and others. "Crocker was determined not to be another Sara Lee, who represented all that was banal and idealistic in postwar American culture," explains Zelazo. In fact, it was this very hostility towards Lee that led Crocker to utter the famous statement that Fluxus "comes to purge the world of a bourgeois sickness... the sickness of pound cake". "Actually, the pound cake reference is now in some academic dispute," rebuts Zelazo, "she might well have said 'dead art'. Nevertheless the famous Purge Manifesto was a revolutionary new beginning for American cooking. For the next ten years Crocker used her stature to mock and subvert suburban binge-and-purge culture by staging culinary combats at art galleries and state fairs. 'Never forget that baking is a competition' Crocker would say, 'a competition for the minds and souls of American women.'" Zelazo herself sees her own poetry as being very much in the Betty Crocker tradition. "My work is indebted to Crocker's Can You Bake A Book? (her collection of theoretical essays) as well as her magnum opus Betty Crocker's Picture Cookbook. Crocker collaborator Alison Knowles' Book of the Bean is also a strong influence ever since I saw that rendition on FoodTV when I was younger. All are truly wonderful works. All are truly groundbreaking". And Zelazo, reigning Iron Poet York University and no stranger to groundbreaking work, would know.

rachel zolf of Palimpsest Dental
"Did you know that Washington didn't really have wooden teeth?" Zolf asks, when questioned about her new company Palimpsest Dental. "They weren't wooden at all - they were just so badly stained that you couldn't see the teeth underneath. When the Mount Vernon Ladies Association went to refurbish them for display at the National Dental Museum in Baltimore, they got quite the surprise... they found visual poetry clearly recognizable on all of the teeth, except the lead ones of course!" Really? "Really! They kind of looked a bit like Apollinaire's calligrammes, only somewhat more disjointed, given the fact that Washington's dentures were a mix of his own teeth, cow teeth and the teeth of his slaves." Was this particular to Washington? Was he a simply a fan of visual poets like the Reverend George Herbert? "No - this is the cool thing. Everybody has visual poetry on their teeth... but nobody's thought to strip away the enamel to find it. That's why we started Palimpsest Dental."

Zolf flashes a smile, and reveals Gomringer's Silencio running from incisor to incisor. "I was so pleased when I found that I had Silencio on my teeth. I love that piece - and the irony of having a poem about 'silence' written in a mouth is just too delicious." Though we here at Lexiconjury were a little incredulous at first, we nevertheless took the plunge ourselves. We were both surprised when we found drop poems on our teeth. "Now, some people have gone as far as to do wholistic readings of the poems on people's teeth - you know, predicting personality types based on the theme of the tooth poem, and whether it was an example of 'clean' or 'dirty' concrete. But I don't buy into all that heebie-jeebie stuff. I think there is a real science at work here. I've begun a study of historical teeth, aiming to prove that concrete/visual poets didn't write their poems at all, but merely copied them from someone's molars." In the meantime, Palimpsest Dental is open for business. So forget about that generic ivory, vanilla-flavoured colour your dentist recommends and get ready to find the verbivocovisual tooth poem you never knew you had!